Why did I get ghosted?
A question I am asked often.
We are living in interesting times, technology at our fingertips.
Gone are the days of letter’s, telephone boxes and messages sent through friends and families.
We have the opportunity to connect with people anywhere in the world.
The downside, we hear about it all the time the negative impact technology is having on us physically and emotionally.
When it comes to connecting with someone for the purpose of getting to know them for marriage technology can get in the way. It can slow our efforts down, knock us off track or leave us so burnt that we just don’t want to try again.
Thing is technology has given people the ability to hide behind it, saying or doing things that they would never do in person.
It’s changed the norms of courtship, of searching for a partner of dating.
Men and women come to me because they want to know why it’s just so “hard” finding a marriage partner.
We soon get on to the topic of ‘ghosting.’
So, what does it mean?
Well firstly ghosting isn’t new 'thing'—it’s just a newish name for something humans have done forever: choosing the path of least resistance out of selfishness or maybe self-preservation.
Ghosting, essentially is when someone just disappears.
Let’s get real it happens, and It’s either happened to you, you know someone who it has happened to, or you have done it. In fact approximately 50 percent of men and women have experienced—and an almost equal number have done the ghosting.
I am often asked why?
Firstly there is no excuse.
What I share with you is to give you some insight as to why.
No real connection as been made.
I am on a mission to equip people with the tools to make deep and meaningful connections.
Something we are lacking in these modern times. Everything these days is on a superficial level kept at arms lengthens.
There are several reasons for this:
Texting or e-mailing taking priority over having ‘Real’ communication. Real face to face conversations.
Just focusing on ourselves that we never priorities anyone else.
Work gets busy, life gets busy, and the fact that we have started talking to someone takes a back seat.
Here’s the truth with this ‘modern’ approach we are becoming automated, all our communication via a screen. In turn our responses become virtual, there is no real connection, and of course, it’s then easier to not respond.
We forget that on the other end of the screen or phone is a real person who has thoughts and feelings, just like we do.
Just not feeling it.
It’s hard to have a conversation when it’s a one-way street; it’s even harder when the other has shut down, and there is just no show of investment.
I often say this to my clients ‘model the relationship you want to be in.’
Stop waiting for him or her to communicate first start by creating, show and tell the other person who you are from the inside out.
The investment on both sides needs to be reciprocated.
If he or she does not feel you have invested, then it’s easy to think that you won’t be hurt by them disappearing.
The one or not the one?
The reason why you are out there is that you are searching for the “One” your future ‘Wife’ or ‘Husband.’
Here is the key to having a great relationship – conversations!
Not just any conversation, having the skills, courage and transparency to have the necessary and difficult conversations.
That’s what happens you meet someone, you talk and talk and talk, and then you decide that things won’t work out, for whatever reason, and instead of sitting down to talk about it, he or she simply disappeared and avoided the tough conversation.
If you can master this skill with someone, who your just not that into imagine what it would be like if you could have those difficult conversations with the person, you want to spend the rest of your life with?
We would have more happy, healthy marriages.
For some people, the truth is they are just passing the time.
They might not see it as passing the time.
Some people are just surfing to see what is out there. They don’t even know what they need and want in a relationship.
For some it’s feeding their ego, proving they can get someone’s attention and have no intention of committing.
Some are afraid of committing.
Some are hurting from past relationship breakdowns they have not healed from.
Some simply don't believe there is anyone "good enough" out there or they feel they are not "good enough" so why would anyone choose them.
Someone else came along
My next point is a bitter pill to swallow.
I have been doing this a while now, the reason why I am busy is that I am shining the light on what ‘Is’ and the truth about modern dating, halal dating, courtship, Rishta searching whatever you want to call it.
When you are looking for a husband or wife, you understand that only one person is going to be the ‘ONE’.
This means that most of the people you meet and date, simply aren’t going to work out.
This also means that you are going to be one of the people who doesn’t work out.
And when the right ‘One’ comes along for the other person, they may not have the emotional intelligence to inform you properly.
It can leave you devastated especially when you find out via social media or friends or family.
If you're reading this right now, whether you’re a Mr a Miss, whether it’s happened to you, or you're sitting there open and honest and in turn thinking yes I have done this.
I hope today's post helps you to have the honour, integrity and understands that you’ve both become emotionally invested in the process, and in turn have the courage and dignity to sit down and end things rather than just disappearing.
Remember sadly just as there are Mr & Miss out there that I have described there are just as many Mr & Miss who really want to find, connect & create a loving, caring relationship that leads to a healthy happy marriage.
Say thank you to your ghost...the best part about relationships is you’re never the same afterward, and so hopefully you’ve grown. Take what you can learn from it, and then be ready for the next time around.
Don’t allow someone else’s bad behavior to rob you of a better future by losing your vulnerability and shutting yourself off from another relationship.
Have you ever been ghosted?
Tell me about it in the comments and what you think happened.
Do you have a question you would like me to answer?
Post in comments or message me. I answer all the questions I receive and will post answers to questions anonymously.
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