“Wajeeha,why did I get ‘ghosted’?
Please be honest; I really don’t get it.”
This is a question I am asked often.
So here goes the honest answer.
We are living in exciting times, with technology at our fingertips. It’s excellent because gone are the days ofletters, telephone boxes and messages sent through friends and families. We have the opportunity to connect with peopleanywhere in the world.
The downside, which we hear about all the time, is technology’s negative impact on
us physically and emotionally.
Technology can get in the way when it comes to connecting with someone to get to know for
the purpose of marriage. It can slow ourefforts, knock us off track or leave us so burnt that we don’t want to try again.
Technology has given people the ability to hide behind it, saying or doing things they
would never do in person. It’s changed the courtship norms of searching for a marriage partner.
Men and women come to me because they want to know why it’s so “hard” to find a
marriage partner.
We soon get on to the topic of ‘ghosting.’
So, what does it mean?
Essentially,it’s when someone just disappears.
Let’s get real: It happens, and it’s either happened to you. You know someone who has happened, or you have done it.
I am often asked why?
Firstly, there is no excuse.
I am sharing this with you to give you some insight as to why.
- No real connection was made.
I am on a mission to equip people with the tools to make deep and meaningful connections, t o go on to marry and marry well.
Something we are lacking in these modern times. Everything these days is on a superficial level, kept at arm’s length.
There are several reasons for this:
Texting takes priority over having ‘Real’ communication - In-person conversations.
Or
Just focusing on ourselves (hiding behind the screen) means that we never prioritise anyone else. Work gets busy, life gets busy, and the fact that we have started talking to someone takes a back seat.
Here’s the truth: with this ‘modern’ approach, we are becoming automated, all our
communication via a screen. In turn, our responses become virtual; there is no real connection, and of course, it’s easier not to respond.
We forget that on the other end of the screen or phone is a real person with thoughts and
feelings, just like we do.
- Just not feeling it.
It’s hard to have a conversation when it’s a one-way street, even harder when the other
has shut down, and there is no show of investment.
I often say this to my clients: ‘Model the relationship you want to be in.’
Stop waiting for him or her to communicate. First, start by showing, and telling the other person who you are by inviting them into your world.
The investment on both sides needs to be reciprocated.
If he or she does not feel you have invested, then it’s easy to think you won’t be hurt
by them disappearing.
- The one or not the one?
You are out there because you are searching for the “One”, your future ‘Wife’ or‘Husband.’
Here is the key to having a great relationship – conversations!
Not just any conversation but having the skills, courage and transparency to have the
necessary and difficult conversations.
That’s what happens: you meet someone, you talk and talk and talk, and then you decide that
things won’t work out for whatever reason, and instead of sitting down to talk
about it, he or she simply disappears and avoids the tough conversation.
If you can master this skill with someone who you’re just not into, imagine what it would
be like if you could have those difficult conversations with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
We would have more happy, healthy marriages.
Time pass
For some people, the truth is they are just passing the time.
WHY?
They might not see it as passing the time. Or shallI call it boredom???
Some people are just surfing to see what is out there. They don’t even know what they need and want in a relationship; they are bored with life.
For some,it’s feeding their ego, proving they can get someone’s attention and have no
intention of committing.
Some are afraid of committing.
Some are hurting from past relationship breakdowns they have not healed from.
Some simply don’t believe there is anyone “good enough” out there.
- Someone else came along
My next point is a bitter pill to swallow.
I have been doing this for a while now; I am busy because I am shining the light on what
‘Is’ and the truth about modern dating, halal dating, courtship, Rishta searching, or whatever you want to call it.
When you are looking for a husband or wife, you understand that only one person will be the ‘ONE’.
This means that most of the people you meet and court simply aren’t going to work out.
This also means you will be one of the people who doesn’t work out. And when the right ‘One’ comes along for the other person, they may not have the emotional intelligence to inform
you properly.
It can leave you devastated, especially when you find out via social media or friends
or family.
If you’rereading this right now, whether you’re a Mr a Miss, whether it’s happened to
you, or you’re sitting there open and honest and in turn thinking, yap I have done this.
I hope today’s post helps you have the honour, integrity and understanding that you’ve
both become emotionally invested in the process and have the courage and dignity to sit down and end things rather than just disappear.
Remember,sadly, just as there are Mr & Miss out there that I have described, there are just as many Mr & Miss who really want to find, connect & create a loving, caring relationship that leads to a healthy, happy marriage.
Have you ever been ghosted?
Tell me about it in the comments and what you think happened.
Do you have a question for next week’s Q&A blog?
Post in the comments or message me. I answer all the questions I receive and will post answers anonymously.
Speak soon
Love and Duaa's
Wajeeha
